Love, Loss, and Letting Go: A Series (Part 3)

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And Lastly, Love. The silver lining, the icing on the cake, the cheesy cliche. It goes something like this:

You see or meet someone for the first time and decide whether or not they’re worth some interaction. You might compliment their shoes, engage in small talk, and go your separate ways. You might not even think twice about them. But if the universe knows what it’s doing, and it always does, you’ll cross paths again. You have a real conversation, exchange numbers, and stay in touch. Eventually you go on a date, and then a few more. Whether or not you want to admit it, something is continuing to pull you toward this person. Time goes by and you decide whether or not they’re worth keeping around, all the while waiting for something great. You’re in the dark but you feel something coming to break up your sky.

The more time you spend together the more you want them. You want to see them, you wonder what they’re wearing and how big their smile is in any moment; you want to know if they’re thinking about you too. You want to touch them, feel their hand in yours again and feel their arms wrapped around you. You want to kiss them.When you’re together things are happy and exciting and full of life and when you’re apart, you question where things are going and how long it’ll all last. Something bigger is coming; you see faint sparks.

Then one day, in the moment when things feel full and right, you commit to one another. Fireworks burst and rain down in perfect succession and light up the sky. You can’t stop talking to each other and when you’re not together you’re talking about one another to whoever will listen. You see them as often as you can. Your heart races and skips when they touch you and look at you and every time you see each other again, if even for a moment, the butterflies in your stomach take flight. It’s a fairy tale kind of feeling, and you’re sure you’re in love. You’ve never been happier and, despite what you’re so sure of, you’re infatuated with one another. Like infatuation, fireworks are a temporary thing after all.

Then one day, those fireworks fizzle out and the sky goes dark. Your ears stop ringing and there, in the quiet blanketed by darkness, is just the two of you. In that moment, when you’re both there together, you have to decide whether they’re someone to hold onto after the show. When you decide to stay, your relationship becomes comfortable and dependable and something to rely on rather than something to gamble. You disagree sometimes and you fight sometimes but at the end of the day, or there in that vulnerable darkness, you still want each other. That’s something people don’t understand; you have to want your relationship and your significant other instead of needing them. You only need the things you can’t live without (i.e. air, water) and if there’s anything you should take away from this blog as a whole it’s that you are whole all on your own. You take advantage of the things you need, but every single day you are consciously grateful for the things and people that you want in your life.

And there, in the darkness, you see the stars. A sky full of them, there to explore and admire and navigate through. That’s love, deep and true as it gets. The stars, they’re always there. They may be covered by clouds or lost in the bright of day but they’re always there for you, dependable and serene as they come. Your love is the stars scatted across the night sky, endless and enormous yet somehow small enough to find comfort in.

“Find my hand in the darkness and if we cannot find the light, we will always make our own.” (Unknown)

Let me tell you first hand: to have those stars there for me every single day and night is more than any book or movie could ever convey. The love you read about, it’s not the good kind. The good kind of love isn’t surprises and flowers and similar interests. It’s when he sometimes pets your cat regardless of his life-threatening allergies because he knows that you want nothing more than for them to get along. When he orders your oh-so-specific Taco Bell order without having to ask what it is (and why you eat it). It’s in the moments when he forgives you for “accidentally” punching him when he’s tickling you, despite your best efforts to tell him not to.

It’s when you go in for a hug and he kisses your forehead before wrapping you up in his arms. It’s when you can hold his hand and run your fingers over every bump and crack, following the road map you hold close to your heart. It’s when you look up from your plate and see him sitting there watching you with a little smile. When he reaches over to squeeze your knee in the car. The hug that you both sigh into after a fight, and the way he wipes your cheeks when you cry. It’s the way his eyes light up and dance when he talks about his passions and you find yourself being pulled into him and what makes him smile. The good kind of love is having someone that will never give up on you, especially in the moments when it would be easier than holding on.

Love is a brave thing, I can tell you that. It’s a vulnerable thing to open yourself up to another person, letting them into the dark corners of your heart that you so carefully locked away from the world. You trust that this person will stay, even when you’ve let them into what you think of as the worst parts of you. You allow someone to love you despite your flaws and, if it’s the good kind, they won’t see your cracks and bruises as flaws at all. They’ll be seen as your story, used as words to get to know the parts of you that existed before they came along.

Here’s my advice to you: believe in love. No matter who burned you in the past and how many times you’ve tried to love and failed, don’t give up on it. You can find love in the everyday life and in turn, life will give you love back. Believe that you are exactly who you need to be all be yourself, but also believe that someone out there is yearning to love all of you too. I can tell you from personal experience that, whether you want it or not, when love finds you it’s going to drag you out of your locked doors and show you the beauty that lies outside. The sun will warm your heart and he’ll be there to hold you tight and take you home.

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xx

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