Stream of Consciousness 7.26.17

One of the hardest things about blogging for me is having things to write about, especially when the blog has no direction whatsoever (i.e. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a topic for days and I come up with things like: one of my favorite things about people  is the fact that if you ask them how long it takes them to get to (blank) they say something like “about 20 minutes” but if that blank is their job then they know how long it takes to get there down to the exact minute. And while these thoughts are common and very entertaining to put to the test (seriously, ask anyone) they don’t suffice as blog-post topics. Therefore instead of just not writing anything I have decided to start writing everything that’s in my head at the moment and make this a Stream of Consciousness, a fancy title for a post that’s a dumpster for my brain (if this scares you away I hope you at least enjoyed your visit).

I’ve had more than one person tell me lately that they’ve been waiting for a new blog post and I guess you could say that’s the main reason I’m writing today. I’ve always been a person that needs (I use that term lightly) validation from others, just a “you’re doing good, kid” every now and then. It’s a mindset I wish I didn’t have but can’t seem to shake. Near the end of my decent blogging schedule I was feeling unmotivated and like the posts were getting repetitive and somewhat pointless. When I recently shared this thought with people, they responded with “Really? I never felt that way.” What? You mean I got in my head and assumed everyone else’s feelings and then gave up? That doesn’t sound like me at all (except it totally does); another mindset I am trying to let go of. There are a lot of things in life I have learned to not give a fuck about including but not limited to: vegetarian jokes, some of my more questionable fashion choices, my “unhealthy” coffee addiction, selfies, and my boyfriend’s cat allergy (again I’m sorry Greg). The thing that’s never made that list is what people think of me. If I feel like I’m letting people down or not doing my best for them then I need to reevaluate and make some changes. And reading that/writing it out loud makes me want to punch myself, which leads to reason number two to why I’m writing today.

I have learned in my hiatus that I just need to write. I get the endorphins that I hear you get from working out (I wouldn’t know) after I write. It’s like my brain can finally take a breath of fresh air (if that tells you anything about my brain). It’s like when you talk about things with friends and you feel a lot better about said things except I don’t talk about serious things (I just joke a lot (It’s my coping mechanism)) so writing is that outlet for me. Ya feel? Anywho, that’s the long way around saying I’m writing because I need to and because apparently some people like my writing (bless y’all).

Now’s where the fuckery mindless writing begins. This week my boyfriend is on a baseball-camp-mission-trip thing in Germany and it’s ten days long. I’m someone who values my independence (I’ve written about this many-a-time) and while I really really do love him (despite the cat-allergy thing) I still need that time away from him and that’s a two-way street with us. There are people who work and live with their significant other and I don’t know how you could ever do that. Do you not just get tired of them?! Anyway I’ve known he’d be leaving for months now and I never thought about missing him (like of course I would but not really, yanno?), I’m more excited for him to be doing this super cool thing in a super cool place than I am sad that he’s gone. That being said, I guess you could say I kind of “lost it” yesterday (aka I cried at work about three times). Now I’ve never ever been the clingy type but I’ve also never ever felt this way about someone; and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t hit me right in the heart strings knowing that there’s someone out there that can make me want to be with them more than I want to be with myself. I’ll just leave it at the fact that it’s made me realize how much I actually, truly, really love him (and I’m also telling myself that it’s only 10 days, can you please just get a f&%king grip?).

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is my future (and by lately I mean for the past six years). I’ve been struggling through college since 2013 and I’m about to have my associates in a major that I’m not at all interested in, and then will be going on to get my bachelor’s in a major that I’m 100% undecided on. I’m 22. The majority of people my age have already figured this out and many already have their bachelor’s degrees. In fact I haven’t talked to anyone else my age that’s in the same boat as me. I am very jealous of those people that have it figured out before they even graduate high school and then just go do it and become successful. Like that doesn’t even feel like it’s in my reach. If I could do anything it would be creative writing but honestly that just seems like a waste of time/money to me. If ya got it ya got it and if ya don’t ya don’t, degree or no degree. I’m interested in nutrition but I hate/am very bad at science. I like digital design but again, seems like a waste of time and money. So here I am stuck in my dilemma of six years and people are always asking me what I’m doing in school and I have to continuously explain that I have no clue and continuously deal with the “oh… well I’m sure you’ll figure it out”‘s and it’s annoying as hell. I will send out a PSA when I actually do figure it out but until then please, for love of god quit asking me.

Here’s something I wish I could send a PSA out about to everybody: adding a shit-ton of commas to your letters/essays does not make them grammatically correct/you seem smarter. It actually has the opposite effect, you look like your over-compensating for the fact that you couldn’t construct a sentence if your life depended on it (harsh but true). I get that semi-colons are kind of tricky to use but commas are like a second-grade basic (writing this makes me realize why being an English teacher is just not in the books for me). Another PSA: The left lane on the highway is for passing. Passing should be done at least five miles per hour faster than the person you’re passing. Once passed the vehicle you’re passing, you get back in the right lane until you need to pass again. You do not, I repeat DO NOT, need to be driving in the left lane the whole goddamn trip because it’s empty and convenient for you; you’re inconveniencing literally everyone around you, especially the red Toyota Solara behind you that’s running late to work and is about to explode from your ignorance and lack of consideration toward them (maybe I take these things too personally but COME ON).

I feel like I’m just getting angry so maybe I should stop before this turns into a rant (I’ll save the other things that piss me off for the next rant post (i.e. the 69 year old manatee that died recently in an aquarium due to human ignorance DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED)). Let me know what PSA you want to send out so we can start a riot and inevitably take over the world!


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